Daniele Luttazzi copia: la fine ingloriosa di un comico un po' furbetto?

Amarezza, delusione, tristezza. Ma anche rabbia per la fiducia tradita, per le emozioni strappate che nessuno ti potrà restituire, men che meno colui che ti ha deluso. L'idolo che ti ha deluso. Come quando Ben Johnson, l'omino Michelin gonfiato dagli steroidi che aveva fatto ciao ciao a Carl Lewis, venne beccato all'antidoping. E io che mi ero svegliato alle 4 di notte per vederlo volare nella finale dei 100 a Seul '88. (vabbè, alle 4 e 30 secondi ero di nuovo a dormire)

 

Daniele Luttazzi ha copiato parecchie battute del suo immane repertorio, si dice il 30% del totale. Adesso sarebbe troppo facile sparare sulla croce rossa e dire bla bla con spregio. Limitiamoci ai fatti. Qualcuno ha beccato Daniele Luttazzi che spacciava come sue battute non sue. Qualcun altro ha scavato nei suoi monologhi e ne ha trovate altre. E siccome siamo in tempi digitali, di rapida comunicazione e condivisione di file, altri ancora, anche e soprattutto ex fan delusi, si sono uniti alla ricerca tirando giù una lista da far paura (vedi il blog "bibbia" di questo plagio reiterato).

 

E sono battute di giganti come Bill Hicks, Steve Martin, Jerry Seinfeld, Emo Philips, Jay Leno, George Carlin, Dave Letterman, Chevy Chase, Woody Allen, non di esordienti o cose introvabili. Su YouTube i video che provano le accuse vengono rapidamente rimossi da chi detiene i diritti su Luttazzi (a maldestra protezione della sua credibilità, immaginiamo). Ma tramite torrent e p2p è fin troppo facile procurarsi la collection intitolata Il meglio [ NON è ] di Daniele Luttazzi, 40 e passa minuti veramente mortali, con un finale amaramente tragicomico, con Luttazzi che nel 2003, ergendosi a paladino del copyright sulle idee, polemizza con Bonolis che gli aveva copiato una battuta durante Striscia La Notizia, e poi si vede la stessa identica battuta recitata da George Carlin VENTI ANNI prima! Indifendibile.

 

La corsa di Ben Johnson non esiste più, così come l'uscita dai blocchi, come una molla umana. L'adrenalina che pompa, la folla che urla, i passi di velluto che bruciano il tartan: tutto cancellato, le medaglie d'oro restituite. Da questo incubo non se ne esce. Bisognerebbe fare come i fan di Biagio Antonacci, che lo hanno difeso a oltranza anche quando all'esordio da regista per il suo L'impossibile copiò palesemente un video meno conosciuto — Luna viola dei Santo Niente -, beandosi pure nelle interviste della sua grande idea. Ma bisogna essere fan di Antonacci.

 

 

la difesa di Luttazzi è affidata al suo blog www.danieleluttazzi.it

l'Unità rilancia con 10 domande senza risposta

lun, 14 giu 2010 - articolo di Gabriele Guerra

Tag: Daniele Luttazzi  Biagio Antonacci

Commenti

  • stepius
    stepius
    14 giugno 2010, 16:12
    Già, e poi lui che ha subito censure, censura gli altri: peccato, agli inizi aveva un bel talento...

  • leila organa
    leila organa
    14 giugno 2010, 18:41
    più che furbetto direi ladro.

  • Cacciucchi Diletta
    Cacciucchi Diletta
    14 giugno 2010, 20:11
    attingere da citazioni famose ritengo non sia reato, ho seguito e seguo daniele e non mi è mai capitato di sentirlo dire che talune frasi fossero le sue..è un uomo capace ed intelligente ed evidentemente rispetta i grandi personaggi di un tempo, al punto di far proprie le loro idee.............diletta.

  • Giobbe
    Giobbe
    14 giugno 2010, 23:52
    cara diletta, e' sicuramente encomiabile fare proprie le idee dei grandi del passato, non altrettanto farci i soldi senza dire niente a nessuno! Ciao

  • Ismeno
    Ismeno
    16 giugno 2010, 14:06
    l'articolo sarebbe apparso meno pretestuoso se si fosse citata la risposta dal blog di Luttazzi: www.danieleluttazzi.it

  • Gabriele
    Gabriele
    16 giugno 2010, 15:57
    ciao Ismeno, perché dici pretestuoso? Il pretesto è "motivo non vero che si adduce per mascherare qualcosa". Cosa? Comunque abbiamo aggiunto un link alle argomentazioni di Luttazzi (qui forse sì che si leggono tanti pretesti), che poi hanno generato parecchie reazioni, tra cui quella dell'Unità (ma non riusciremo a segnalare tutti i link che affrontano la questione a livello mondiale...). Ciao

  • Giobbe
    Giobbe
    18 giugno 2010, 13:22
    ah! a proposito della difesa di Luttazzi! forse è il suo monologo più comico, viene quasi il dubbio che l'abbia copiato...

  • gabriele
    gabriele
    20 settembre 2010, 22:50
    Nonostante lo avessi ammirato per la faccia tosta che ebbe nelle famosa intervista a Travaglio, non ho mai amato il suo modo nevrotico di fare comicità. Non ho mai avuto la sensazione che fosse una persona creativa, e difatti adesso ne ho conferma. Una grave perdita, R.I.P. Luttazzi che Fù.

  • Mr.Crowle
    Mr.Crowle
    21 settembre 2010, 00:35
    Bhè l'altro 70% è suo adesso basta solo che specifichi quando....

  • Giobbe
    Giobbe
    21 settembre 2010, 13:32
    Già! Sarebbe bello un sottotitolo durante i suoi spettacoli (ammesso che ne farà ancora) "mia originale" / "copiata da..."

  • ROBERT
    ROBERT
    22 settembre 2010, 02:09
    Daniele Luttazzi prende in giro tutti! non è altro che un falso, un codardo e incapace di difendersi faccia a faccia! mi dispiace per i fans, posso capire la delusione.

  • Enrico
    Enrico
    22 settembre 2010, 14:06
    Che pena questo finto comico, non vale nulla a confronto con i veri comici scomodi come Grillo, si deve vergognare e invito quanti ancora tentano penosamente di difendere l'indifendibile di denunciare questa vergogna!

  • luca
    luca
    22 settembre 2010, 14:23
    guarda che grillo ha gli autori,SVEGLIA

  • Davide
    Davide
    22 settembre 2010, 21:06
    Grillo è un altra cosa, antipatico o meno tiene il palco per tre ore sudandosi da solo la serata , da non so quanti anni. Evitiamo paralleli. Poi la politica si sa porta antipatie

  • mauro
    mauro
    27 settembre 2010, 20:12
    speriamo solo che ora per quel 50% di italiani non diventi un eroe come Santoro o travaglio che di eroe non hanno niente................................................................................................................

  • Schopenhauer
    Schopenhauer
    14 ottobre 2010, 03:54
    Lo adoravo. Come si può adorare un comico come Luttazzi ? Solo se IGNORI la realtà dei fatti. Citazione....rielaborazione....tutto lecito e normalissimo, MA qui Signori non confondiamo le acque. Questo è un volgare truffatore, classico "italiani-ino" che non sa cosa voglia dire ONESTA' INTELLETTUALE. E da uno che fa satira facendo dell'onestà una bandiera...beh...vomitevole. Peggio dei ladri che almeno rischiano di loro....

  • omar
    omar
    2 ottobre 2011, 07:51
    appoggio Robert pienamente. Daniele Luttazzi E' semplicemente un volgarissimo guitto falso, ladro e truffatore, che cosa abbia di così comico e simpatico non lo so, visto che parla praticamente solo di m...di sb..di c...ecc.,insultando beceramente e impunemente chiunque voglia e quando, e solo in base a personali antipatie di cui comunque al pubblico non fregano poi granchè .Ma ecco che alla fine la verità è venuta a galla..qualcuno sa dove si è nascosto? chiamiamo chi l'ha visto? ma no, chi se ne frega, che resti dov'è, rosso come sempre, ma stavolta di vergogna..ormai l'han mollato anche gli amichetti di partito che gli avevano spianato la carriera dorata solo perchè acidissimo antiberlusconiano. A proposito, esiste ancora qualche comico in carriera (o già raggiunta) che faccia strada senza questo ormai noiosissimo politic-leit motiv? e ora che, cuccato a copiare come il più pollo degli scolaretti, non può dare la colpa all'arcinemico(ex-suocero d'oro tra l'altro), nè a nessun altro per la verità, urlacchiando piagniucolosi complottini di bavaglio e censura, come nel lontano(ma chi si ricorda?!?) insieme al "povero"(ma ricco sfondato) Michele Santoro? e al signor Luca ribatto che a differenza dell'IN-sostenibile rumorosissimo ecoindignado color verde(petrolio) BEPPE GRILLO( che peraltro preferivo come ruspante genuinamente sguaiato comico che come sgomitante politico da fiera, professionista dell'insulto e dell'incoerenza) al sig.Fabbri non servono gli autori ma bastano un bel paio di buoni occhiali per COPIARE, magari poteva spingersi fino a un Dizionario dei sinonimi, x cambiare almeno qualche virgola di queste pietose pizzosissime e interminabili COVER. Bah, che tristezza...meglio rileggersi(e per chi non l'avesse mai fatto lo consiglio davvero) un bel libro di quel genio della satira e della VERA comicità che è il mitico inimitabile PAOLO VILLAGGIO. I libri e le videocassette li ho praticamente consumati, ma mi fanno ancora ridere a crepapelle!...e persino tanto riflettere. E senza il bisogno di insultare, annoiare, e tantomeno copiare nessuno.

  • FanCoglione
    FanCoglione
    13 novembre 2011, 22:34
    Allora prima di tutto io sono un fan di daniele luttazzi, ma questo non vuol dire che sono un suo fanatico. 1 La maggior parte dei comici se non tutti spizzica qua e la le battute visto che pochi se non nessuno avrebbero il coraggio di esibirsi su un palco o in televisione senza essere sicuri che le proprie battute fanno ridere. 2 non per dire stronzate ma il video "luttazzi copia" fa vedere SOLO LE BATTUTE COPIATE il che è la stessa illusione che danno in televisione quando si parla dei crimini degli immigrati che facendo vedere e sentire solo i loro crimini fa pensare che tutti i rumeni marrochini o chicchesia siano gli unici delinquenti. 3 il fatto che si dice che luttazzi sia volgare è un opinione soggettiva. MAI essere fanatici delle proprie idee. Perchè la volgarità è una cosa soggettiva visto che dipende nella maggior parte dei casi dalla educazione del soggeto e quindi il fatto che per qualcuno la parola "Fica" sia volgare è UN VOSTRO PROBLEMA e censurare un comico solo perchè lo si ritiene volgare è da bè non c'è un termine correto per dirlo, ma cmq io sono stato educato ad avere una mentalità aperta quindi giudicate voi. 4 Il fatto che voi diate ai fan di luttazzi dei coglioni e dei leccaculo o che per loro luttazzi era il loro faro di speranza nella loro misera vita, vi sbagliate. Luttazzi era ed è una speranza per quelle persone che vedono nel loro paese solo gente di merda senza un minimo di dignità e quindi come poter criticare luttazzi perchè copia quando il nostro presidente ci fa fare figure di merda davanti al resto del mondo e ci fa fallire. Se mi cercate su facebook sono Ser carusi e sono uno a cui piace discuttere civilmente con le persone. P.S. per discuttere si intende che due persone parlano cercando di convincere l'altro e quindi bisogna accettare di poter avere torto.

  • Freequency
    Freequency
    15 novembre 2011, 11:17
    ciao Fan, spero che il tuo accorato elenco non sia riferito all'articolo, perché significherebbe non essersi preso la briga di leggerlo. Se è per gli altri utenti, che confronto sia, speriamo civile come auspichi anche tu. (ps: se il punto 1 fosse vero esisterebbero solo tre battute inventate da Dio in persona e nessun comico ne avrebbe aggiunta mai una al repertorio dell'Umanità...)

  • emorroide
    emorroide
    20 gennaio 2012, 14:15
    il genio rimane genio e la stupidità rimane stupidità. A me l'idea che questi erano fans delusi di Luttazzi mi fa spavento!!! E perdipiù sulla rete che vive del lavoro altrui(cit Aldo Grasso). Siete penosi e patetici con le vostre piccole invidie. A distanza di due anni è finalmente chiaro che sta banda di poveracci che ha messo su sta cosa di Luttazzi non vale niente...un po di fama recuperata con un mestiere da avvoltoi fatto da piccoli dementi che se si fossero presi la briga avrebbero scoperto che tutta l'arte è "un già detto", che pure Dante e Chaplin "copiavano"(cit R.Benigni) che copiare non significa nulla. E adesso che la fama è finita e che solo qualche giornalista demente vi ha dato retta(vedi concita) rimane solo quel sito che ricorda il resto del pasto delle iene... povero paese...

  • colica
    colica
    20 gennaio 2012, 14:48
    difesa virulenta ma debole. Trovami un verso di Dante copiato di peso, una scena di Chaplin ricalcata uguale uguale da qualcun altro... e sarà sempre una sola, non mille! Inoltre sarà rielaborata, filtrata, implementata. Qua si parla di plagio allo stato PURO. Di spostare una virgola e poi dire: ora è mia! E Luttazzi stesso ha detto più volte che tra comici si uccide per molto meno... Ave

  • federico
    federico
    31 gennaio 2012, 01:23
    Fu diffamazione pura. Il caso è stato creato ad arte, come rappresaglia dopo il suo monologo di Raiperunanotte, fingendo di "scoprire" una cosa di cui Luttazzi aveva scritto sul suo blog nel 2005! Leggete qua i dettagli: http://anti-diffamazione.blogspot.com/

  • colica
    colica
    31 gennaio 2012, 13:26
    guarda caso il blog di autodifesa (pieno di omissioni) non si può commentare, proprio per evitare - per l'ennesima volta - un tranquillo contraddittorio...

  • federico
    federico
    1 febbraio 2012, 01:18
    Colica, smettila con le illazioni! Non è un "blog di autodifesa" e non è "pieno di omission"i. Non fare il troll e prova a confutare gli argomenti, se ne sei in grado. Se no taci, che ci fai più bella figura. http://anti-diffamazione.blogspot.com/

  • colica
    colica
    1 febbraio 2012, 15:59
    caro Federico, ho approfondito la questione a suo tempo, con molta cura, fidati. Il blog che segnali e' quotatissimo come medaglia d'oro ai Giochi di Londra 2012 nella nuova disciplina olimpica Arrampicata sugli Specchi! Basta prendersi un'ora per scaricarsi il film Il meglio [NON] e' di... per farsi un'idea da soli, in piena autonomia, senza dogmi ne' imbeccate. E non mi dire che sono stralci decontestualizzati altrimenti a Londra ci vai anche tu!

  • leandrop.
    leandrop.
    12 febbraio 2012, 12:19
    Però il blog http://anti-diffamazione.blogspot.com è aggiornato e più approfondito di chi si informò "a suo tempo" due anni fa. Persistere in convinzioni basate su dati falsi è sempre un po' da sciocchi. Certo è faticoso doversi ricredere, eh Colica?

  • colica
    colica
    14 febbraio 2012, 11:56
    il blog che continuate a pubblicizzare con tanta interessata partecipazione ricorda molto il vecchio blog di Luttazzi, che al contempo e' stato chiuso. Che coincidenza.. E il fatto che non sia aperto a repliche (quindi confronto) dice tutto..

  • pako
    pako
    1 aprile 2012, 21:25
    Secondo me vi fate tutti ingannaRE luttazzi E' STATO TAGLIATO FUORI DAL DOPO INTERVISTA A mARCO Travaglio APRITE GLI OKKI!!

  • Andy Crop
    Andy Crop
    15 settembre 2012, 16:50
    @colica Il blog di Luttazzi non l'ha chiuso lui. Hanno chiuso i server che lo ospitavano. Lui non deve spiegazioni a nessuno,perchè le ha già date da tempo e sono esaurienti. Nel 2005 ha dato la notizia della Caccia al Tesoro sul blog,cosa che equivale ad una autodenuncia di se stesso per ogni battuta che il blog del 2008 riteneva copiata. Insistere nel dire che DL sia sempre stato in malafede e che abbia copiato-oltre tutto credendo di poterla fare franca-è una stupidaggine senza dignità. Ma tu continua a ragionare emotivamente e non con la testa,se ti fa piacere. Ricordati però che non furono Cornacchione,Bertolino(che è pure bravo) o Vergassola a denunciare per primi i misteri che stanno intorno alla fortuna dell'ex premier per poi continuare a denunciare,senza rinunciare a fare ridere,ogni sua singola azione atta a scardinare le regole della democrazia in questo paese,lavorando a teatro perchè nessun canale è capace di prendersi la responsabilità dei contenuti che veicola(e non parlatemi di Sky,che non lo metterà mai sotto contratto perchè la piattaforma non vuole buttarsi nel mezzo di questioni politiche nazionali),con certe giunte comunali di "certi partiti" che talvolta lo osteggiano con motivi risibili pur di non fargli fare un tour senza problemi. Continua a guardare il dito(la falsa notizia),che io invece mi godo la luna.

  • N-tier
    N-tier
    17 settembre 2012, 08:34
    AhAH! ma come hanno chiuso i server? quando si chiudono i server i siti si spostano su un altro server, ma dai... se così non fosse non esisterebbe internet! aLLuciNanTe ahah!

  • Andy Crop
    Andy Crop
    17 settembre 2012, 18:17
    Evidentemente non riteneva congruo lo sforzo economico di spostare il sito. Immagino non avesse interesse a usare il mezzo come fatto fino a poco tempo prima con il sito ufficiale,non è che lui adorasse internet,ha sempre detto di trovarlo un mezzo che tende a favorire il populismo. Di fatto ciò che gli è accaduto è strettamente collegato a questo modo di ragionare poco tridimensionale,che quando approccia un problema da risolvere,cerca la risposta più immediata. Con lui semplicemente tutti hanno sentito la risposta più semplice ma che suonava bene-"Luttazzi copia"-e una volta sentita,buona parte di questi individui ha smesso di ragionare con la propria testa,iniziando a farlo in maniera emotiva,rifiutando qualsiasi elemento che andasse contro la loro prima ipotesi su come si erano svolti i fatti. Da parte mia posso dire che il post della Caccia al tesoro era sul sito già nel 2006,perchè ricordo benissimo di averlo letto non appena la linea ADSL arrivò a casa,mentre spulciavo il suo blog da cima a fondo,cosa non troppo impegnativa da fare perchè all'epoca i suoi post non erano granchè numerosi. Perciò trovo ridicolo,sotto certi aspetti anche kafkiano,ciò che gli è accaduto e mi dispiace,perchè ora agli occhi della massa non ha più credibilità,ma non quella del grande leader che non è mai stato e non ha mai voluto essere,ma del cittadino informato. Questo è probabilmente un ulteriore ostacolo per un suo eventuale ritorno in tv,specialmente se pubblica,che avrebbe tanto bisogno di ristabilire una linea editoriale di primo livello anche per quanto riguarda la messa in onda di spettacoli satirici (senza dover passare per l'approvazione di qualunque schieramento politico).

  • il vecchio colica
    il vecchio colica
    19 settembre 2012, 18:26
    grazie Crop per aver riportato in alto il blog, che quasi non ricordavo più.. Tutto molto interessante, ma come al solito non si risponde nello specifico, si svia. Okay la satira scomoda etc etc, MA la caccia al tesoro (se vera... alcuni dicono che sia retrodatata) sembrerebbe proprio un ottimo modo per mettere le mani avanti, eventualmente; è la quantità di repertorio non originale che è spaventosa! non la qualità della "operazione" di "citazione". E poi perché quella crociata contro Bonolis? Che caccia al tesoro era quella lì? ave (ps: il server costerà 30 euri annui..)

  • Andy Crop
    Andy Crop
    20 settembre 2012, 04:36
    Non era un post retrodatato. Ripeto:ricordo di aver letto quel post fra fine 2006 o inizio 2007. E' stato ampliato tempo dopo(motivo per il quale la data di pubblicazione risultava successiva a quella riportata in cima al post),ma il punto centrale,la "Caccia al Tesoro" è sempre stato li. Controllavo il suo sito assiduamente,mi ricordo molto bene questi dettagli(la mia è memoria eidetica). E ripeto,non poteva dichiarare di avere inserito quelle battute in vari monologhi sperando che solo quelle della "Caccia al Tesoro" venissero scoperte,lasciando quelle "veramente rubate" non identificate. E' una stronzata,lo capisci? Se viene detto al pubblico di cercare delle battute citate,potenzialmente possono essere trovate tutte,non una parte. - Circa la "questione Bonolis",ciò che Luttazzi aveva trovato seccante era l'avergliela bruciata,la battuta. Luttazzi,come ho detto,ha ripiegato in teatro,se uno come Bonolis riporta la battuta della mosca/falena-calco dell'originale di Carlin-in tv(oltretutto privandola del contesto e contemporaneamente provando il punto sul perchè Luttazzi l'aveva usata) prima che lui possa farlo,gliela brucia,perchè così la conoscono tutti e toglie il senso al perchè l'abbia detta. La famosa falena/mosca infatti era stata usata da Luttazzi come esempio di battuta innocua che in tv riesce a "passare". Ora che in tv c'è passata senza questa considerazione,la battuta è inutilizzabile. - Non è affatto così spaventoso il numero di battute considerate "copiate",se confrontato con il minutaggio totale dei suoi monologhi e i libri. E devi tenere conto del fatto che il senso di una battuta non sta nella battuta,ma sopratutto nel contesto nella quale viene inserita,come nel caso della mosca/falena e delle altre. E a prescindere il fatto non sussiste perchè come ho già detto la Caccia al Tesoro esisteva da ben prima che il "caso" scoppiasse. - Facciamo una considerazione di tipo emotivo: Avresti ancora voglia di gestire e pagare per il mantenimento di un sito dopo essere marchiato d'infamia ingiustamente? La colpa è anche e soprattutto di chi si considerava un fan sfegatato ma che lo seguiva evidentemente senza leggere il suo blog,i suoi libri o conoscendo tutti i suoi monologhi,l'ha messo su un piedistallo e alla prima controversia emersa anzichè cercare di vederci giusto come ha fatto qualcun altro ha invece deciso che gli bastava ciò che gli era stato detto e di non verificare per bene la notizia. IO,quando è scoppiato questo finto caso sapevo già che era una panzana,perchè la così detta prova "principe",il post retrodatato,sapevo che era una stronzata,perchè ricordavo bene di averlo letto e anche quando. Tu invece Colica immagino ti sia fatto prendere dall'emozione provata da chi non sapeva come me ciò che era veramente accaduto:la delusione. E questa emozione non è stata seguita dalla freddezza necessaria per capire se ti stanno raccontando cazzate o no. Questo caso è costruito su di esse. Non ti chiedo di credermi sulla parola circa i miei ricordi sul post della Caccia al Tesoro,ma di domandare a te stesso se non ti sia fatto prendere dall'onda emotiva e di aver rifiutato ogni fatto che contraddicesse le tue prime impressioni per paura di prendere una posizione fuori dal coro di fischi. Perchè quando accadono cose del genere,se qualcuno vede che tutti hanno un'opinione simile questa persona ha l'impressione che ciò che conosce sia una certezza scolpita nel marmo(perchè "sono tutti d'accordo") e ciò gli rende più difficile dubitare di se stesso e delle proprie opinioni. Io però non ho mai avuto bisogno di dubitare,perchè i fatti li conosco molto bene. E non c'è "seconda versione dei fatti" che tenga,quando sei capace di ricordare come me. Quel post c'era. Io lo so.

  • il vecchio Colica
    il vecchio Colica
    21 settembre 2012, 10:20
    nessuna onda emotiva, Crop. Anch'io all'inizio pensavo a un attacco politico e la caccia al tesoro per me è un aspetto totalmente marginale. è il video "Il meglio [NON è]..." (censurato più volte, tra l'altro) che purtroppo non ammette repliche: 40 minuti di prove, non indizi, che scrivono anche la sentenza...

  • Andy Crop
    Andy Crop
    22 settembre 2012, 00:43
    40 minuti contro quante ore di monologhi e quante righe di libri? Ti fai spaventare facilmente Colica,fattelo dire. Non è affatto un aspetto marginale,la Caccia al Tesoro. Se lo ha dichiarato fin dal 2005 non c'è plagio. Ciò lo fa diventare un filmato di quaranta minuti di battute dichiarate come citate,dalla prima all'ultima. Ma se per te non conta niente,sei emotivo eccome,perchè non sei capace di vedere dove inizia il sospetto e dove l'accanirsi senza alcun motivo: Per te è più importante difendere il punto di vista sul quale ti sei arroccato piuttosto che rispettare la realtà dei fatti.

  • il vecchio Colica
    il vecchio Colica
    26 settembre 2012, 12:31
    mi spaventano il buio ragni serpenti rumori in casa, Crop. Certo non i 40 minuti di battute (le migliori del suo repertorio) plagiate dal Nostro. La caccia al tesoro (se vera) è un mettere le mani avanti, tenersi pronta un'uscita d'emergenza, ma un simpatico disseminare QUALCHE citazione NON E' uguale a copiare di sana pianta decine di battute di altri (ripeto le migliori, e senza poi mai specificarlo al pubblico in sala o davanti alla tv, che secondo te invece tutto compatto era al corrente di un post sperduto in un blog di anni prima che spiegava che ci sono "alcuni simpatici indizi-citazioni sparsi qua e là"). E poi sarei io quello che si arrocca...

  • Andy Crop
    Andy Crop
    26 settembre 2012, 16:16
    Blog sperduto? Santo cielo,era il sito ufficiale! Non credo che tutti fossero al corrente infatti. Non ho mai avuto la pretesa che chiunque lo fosse o dovesse esserlo. Quella è una pretesa tutta tua,che tutto debba sempre essere noto a tutti. Ma niente ti e vi è stato nascosto. E' tua la pretesa che se qualcuno,te compreso,non sa qualcosa,ha il diritto di sentirsi tradito,a prescindere dal fatto che il tradimento non c'è stato perchè in realtà alcuni sapevano e altri no. Ti faccio un esempio con una verità supposta dell'infanzia: Babbo Natale. Tutti da bambini supponiamo che esista,poi ci siamo sentiti traditi dai genitori quando ci hanno rivelato di essere loro a mettere i regali sotto l'albero. Ma in realtà un tradimento implica non onorare la verità,non rivelarla. Tu ti sei sentito tradito pensando che Luttazzi avesse mentito,ma non lo ha fatto:è sempre stato lui a mettere i regali sotto l'albero del blog. Il fatto che tu non lo sapessi implica solo che non è stato detto A TE,mentre tutti gli altri,gli adulti/fan informati erano al corrente del fatto che Babbo Natale/la notizia,era falsa. Tu non lo sapevi?Pazienza Colica,ma c'è chi lo ha sempre saputo. La tua/vostra indignazione è grande quanto la vostra incompleta visione delle cose. Si,deve averla fatta per avere una scusa,la Caccia al Tesoro,così come inviare copie autografate dei suoi lavori ai vincitori. Regalare libri e DVD autografati aiuta infatti a mantenere segreta l'occulta uscita di emergenza. Il fatto che tu ti concentri sulla battuta singola e non sui monologhi interi la dice lunga sul tuo livello di attenzione. Non è la singola battuta a fare la potenza del monologo,ma l'argomento del monologo a renderla potente. Ho capito come ragioni,ora. Ti si risponde su una cosa e ti dimentichi quelle di due commenti prima e ti si deve rispiegare cose già dette perchè tu o facendo un ragionamento di "principio"("qualsiasi cosa mi si dica Luttazzi ha copiato comunque") oppure per un livello d'attenzione bassissimo le elimini dalle argomentazioni espresse. Mettiamo che la mia prima ipotesi su di te sia valida: Se tu mettessi insieme tutte le cose che ho scritto finora avresti un quadro completo,ma tu di volta in volta scarti ciò che dico perchè pensi che non siano valide argomentazioni da sole. Ma non vanno lette singolarmente,ma tutte insieme. Ora,spero tu sappia scrivere qualcosa per effettivamente confutare ciò che ho scritto,sarò felice di leggere,altrimenti rischi di annoiare non solo me,ma anche chi ci sta leggendo.

  • il vecchio Colica
    il vecchio Colica
    27 settembre 2012, 10:02
    Ok Crop. ho avuto la pazienza di rivedermi il video "Il meglio [NON è] di Luttazzi", e in effetti non sono singole battute copiate, sono interi monologhi, non ricordavo bene..... Scusa ma ora vado a fare il comico cambiando il "contesto" a interi monologhi copiati, sembra strano ma c'è gente che si è arricchita così.

  • Andy Crop
    Andy Crop
    27 settembre 2012, 16:13
    Mi aspettavo di meglio,qualcosa di coraggioso,in grado di entrare nel merito di ciò che ho scritto. Non ci provi nemmeno. La qualità della tua replica ti qualifica Colica.

  • Vexenio Lupin IV
    Vexenio Lupin IV
    15 novembre 2012, 18:59
    Ancora a difendere sto merdone, ma la vogliamo smettere?

  • gremix
    gremix
    13 dicembre 2012, 20:01
    a Venexio Lupin IV... è per gente come te che l'italia è nella merda

  • gremix
    gremix
    13 dicembre 2012, 20:06
    siamo solo bravi a vedere ciò che c'è di sbagliato. Ma quando dice la verità fa tremare il culo a tutta l'italia. Guarda caso hanno silurato proprio lui. Mi sa che c'era qualche milione di persone bigotte che hanno preferito denigrarlo e arrossire davanti alle sua parolacce. Italia bigotta. E luttazzi come tutti i geni è stato ricoperto di fango. Che schifo di paese

  • Nulla quaestio
    Nulla quaestio
    12 aprile 2013, 12:49
    non solo Luttazzi copia, ma ha creato anche centinaia di account falsi (molti li vedete nei commenti li sopra) per cercare di insabbiare e creare "rumore di fondo". Per fortuna ci sono i fatti, ovvero la prova delle battute copiate, che riporto qui sotto: EMO PHILIPS People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" -> Cosmico, pag. 51 I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse." -> Satyricon, pag. 94 I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen. The one with Van Gogh picture donated anonimously to a museum and him who goes to the front deks and says "I'm the anonimous doner and I want it back!". -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 183 (http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/142) You know when you are in bed at night and your house starts making noises you don't hear during the daytime, like "Emo I'm going to kill you...". Well, I remember that song: [sings a song I don't know]. And I start whispering [makes sound of whisper]. And I feel a hand around my neck and a voice "thanks, I thought I'd never find you in the dark". -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag.151 I went to grammar school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my xerox machine. She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?," and I said, "Ah, yes and no." She sends me to the principal's office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo, Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." [...] He said, "Emo, you'll have to see the school psychologist." And I said, "But why do I have to see the school psychologist?" So he shows me the petition. And I go to the psychologist and he says: “Emo, what does this ink blot look like to you?” I said “Oh, it's kind of embarassing”. He says: “Emo, everyone sees something so don't be embarassed: tell me what the ink pot looks like to you”, I said: “Well, to me it looks like standard pattern number 3 in the Rorschach serie to test compulsiveness”. And he gets kind of depressed, I said “Ok, it's a butterfly!” And he cheers up. He says “What does this ink blot look like?”. I say “It's a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation”. He said “No, the ink blot over there, this is a photo of my wife you're looking at!” [...] And he gives me a chocolate Easter bunny and this shows how tricky those guys [scil. psicologi] are. I eat the chocolate bunny and I think "Wait a second. This isn't around Easter. Was this some test?" He said "Yes" "Ad what does it mean?" He said "Well, had you eaten the head first, you'd've been normal; had you eate the feet first, you'd have had an inferiority complex; had you eaten the tail first, you'd have had omosexual tendencies; had you eaten the breasts first, you'd've had a latent Oedipal complex." I said "Well, go on, what does it mean when you bite off the eyes and you scream Stop staring at me!" You know, he says "It shows you have a tendency to self-distruction" I say "What d'you reccomend?" He says "Go for it!" -> Satyricon, pag. 93-94, 123 My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets. -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 151 (this one was adapted to Jugoslavia's internal religious differences, http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/244) Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -> Satyricon pag. 131-132 (context changes) I loaned a friend of mine 8000$ for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like. A guy came over and asked if he could read my gas meter. I said, ‘Whatever happened to the classics?’ -> Adenoidi, pag. 19 The toughest time in everyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Other than that tho, it's been a good day. I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!" -> Satyricon, pag. 136 What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is. -> Adenoidi, pag. 105 And I go to the psychologist and he says: “Emo, what does this ink blot look like to you?” I said “Oh, it's kind of embarassing”. He says: “Emo, everyone sees something so don't be embarassed: tell me what the ink pot looks like to you”, I said: “Well, to me it looks like standard pattern number 3 in the Rorschach serie to test compulsiveness”. And he gets kind of depressed, I said “Ok, it's a butterfly!” And he cheers up. He says “What does this ink blot look like?”. I say “It's a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation”. He said “No, the ink blot over there, this is a photo of my wife you're looking at!” -> Adenoidi, pag. 142 The other night my dad took me aside, said: “Emo, I want you to promise to take care of your mother after I'm gone”. I said: “Dad, don't talk like that. I don't wanna have to take care of her”. -> Satyricon, pag. 124 (http://www.emophilips.com/video/audio/108) Once I went to the library. I said, "I'd like a book on the Heimlich anti-choking maneuver," and the guy said, "look at the card catalog. I'm busy." So I go to the card catalog. I look under Heimlich and choking and maneuver. It's not any of those places. And I see this first aid book with the section and I take it and that guy said, "It's a reference book. You can't take it out; you have to Xerox it." I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" He said, "It's not a bank, it's a library." So I go to this souvenir stand and I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" They said, "It's not a bank, it's a souvenir stand." So I go to this bank, and they said, "Yes, this is a bank." And they give me the change and I come back to it. And by this time there's a line of students Xeroxing their books or whatever and I -- finally I Xerox the Heimlich. As I go back the guy says, "Put it back, now that you've used it." So I put it back. And as I leave, he says, "Thank you." I said, "Well, thank you! I'm never coming to this barn again." And I went back to my car. Now by this time, my sister's almost purple from the chicken bone. -> Satyricon, pag. 128 I almost didn't make it here. I made a mistake on driving, I'm on second avenue and have to get to 8th avenue and I thought 'What street do I take to get from second to 8th?' Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging the car right now. -> Satyricon, pag. 72 (http://www.emophilips.com/video/audio/105) I was in a bar few nights ago, moving from stool to stool trying an' get lucky, but there wasn't gum under any of them. And I heard giggling behind me and at first I don't mind,but the giggling continues. Finally I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, these two guys for the last half hour or so have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said "Look you, bums" 'cause I was angry now I said "As soon as this game is over, hit the row" -> Satyricon, pag. 94 e 122 We go back to her place and she lights some candles and incense. She said “Alright, Emo, you make the next move.” So I sacrificed her poodle to Zarkon, the space god. -> Satyricon, pag. 127 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 43 (interviewed by the ONION A.V. CLUB (http://www.avclub.com/articles/emo-philips,13681/)) EP: I've been at a hotel for a week, and I'm the only person here. It's like The Shining. The window opens only four inches to prevent suicide, which is great, unless they cancel Ally McBeal. Then they'll have to make it two inches. It's a nice hotel. They have videos you can rent. I saw Armageddon for the first time. ONION: What did you think? EP: If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way. -> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 83 (from the same interview) ONION: With all that, why return to stand-up now? EP: I just realized that I loved it, subconscious be damned. I'm going full hog with this thing and having a great time. I've been at this 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients. But I tell you, when I do the little comedy clubs, it makes me realize why I got into this racket in the first place: to pick up skanks. But now I can't, 'cause I'm married, so maybe I'll read more Gibbon. I can't even program my telephone, but those guys are like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. -> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 102 (http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/180) They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers. -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 126 When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr Baseball. Because of the stitches. -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 129 My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour... -> Satyricon, pag. 124 (Luttazzi says fins instead of harpoon, http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/140) I was in Jerusalem last year. I felt so embarrassed, you know. I was standing there at the Wailing Wall, like a moron, you know, with my harpoon... -> Satyricon, pag. 127 (Luttazzi does the same joke about Berlin) It's great to be here in Pasadena. I've never seen so many coffe shops in my entire life and so little reason to stay awake. -> La castrazione e altri metodi per prevenire l'acne, pag. 127 We almost didn't have a second date 'cause the first date I didn't open the car door for her... you know, instead I swam up to the surface. You know... women. -> La castrazione e altri metodi per prevenire l'acne, pag. 129 "I wanna see your parents" "I'll need a bigger shovel" -> La castrazione e altri metodi per prevenire l'acne, pag. 129 I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. -> Barracuda, pag. 181 Don’t wear fur! Did you know a single fur coat takes 14 trees just to make the protest signs? -> Lepidezze postribolari, postfazione I've no idea how electricity works; all I know is, it calms me. -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 110 Don’t wear fur! Did you know a single fur coat takes 14 trees just to make the protest signs? -> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 70 GEORGE CARLIN (in Luttazzi's version it changes a bit in the examples part) Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent people. Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money. [The entire segment with the sun and the Joe Pesci praying (instead Luttazzi uses Monica Bellucci); Luttazzi puts togheter the sun worshipping joke and the Joe Pesci one] If there is a god, may he strike this audience dead. You know how you can tell when a moth farts? When he suddenly flies in a straight line. (Luttazzi's version is about Berlusconi instead of "americans") I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.. (here Luttazzi says "mass" and not "mess". The joke works as well, maybe even better: it is up to the reader whether to consider this a translation mistake or an improvement over the original joke) Farts are shit without the mess. My god has a bigger dick than your god! Here's a human interest story about man's best friend. It seems that 63 years old James [surname] was asleep last week in his down town motel room. He awekened to the sound of a dog barking. When he awoke the room was full of smoke and he could not see. The dog let him out of the room, down the hall and into an elevator shaft where he plunged eight stories to his death. Seems it wasn't his dog. (about the hypocrisy of the sanctity of life, the entire speech is practically the same and the following joke is identical) Look at what we kill! Mosquito and flies because they're pests. Lions and tigers because it's fun. Chickens and pigs, 'cause we're hungry. Pheasants and quales and whales, because it's fun and we're hungry. And people, we kill people, 'cause they're pests! ... And it's fun! The joke about capital punishment where you can bet about which hole the head (once separated from the body) will roll into starting from a hill. (Napalm & Silly Putty, Luttazzi uses Elba instead of Kansas) First group: Violent criminals.Here’s what you do: You take the entire state of Kansas and you move everybody out. You give the people a couple of hundred dollars apiece for their inconvenience, but you get them out. Next you put a 100-foot-high electric fence around the entire state, and Kansas becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals. No police, no parole, no supplies; the only thing you give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition. So they can communicate in a meaningful manner. Then you put the whole thing on cable TV. The Violence Network. VNN. [...] But this is only for true sex offenders. We’re not going to harass consenting adults who dress up in leather Boy Scout uniforms and smash each other in the head with ball-peen hammers as they take turns blowing their cats. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s a victimless hobby. And think of how happy the cat must be. No, we’re only going to lock up rapists and molesters; those hopeless romantics who are so full of love they can’t help gettin’ a little of it on you. -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 63-4 Did you ever find youself in one of your house rooms and can't rememeber why you are in there? Have you ever been sitting in a rail road train in a station and there's another train right next to you. And one of them starts to move and you can't tell which one it is. (about the car sticker) Baby on board. [...] I'm supposed to alter my driving habits because of some woman forgot to put a diaphram in. (about the right to joke about everything, e.g.: rape. Luttazzi's joke is about Laurel & Hardy) Rape can be funny. don't believe me? Picture Elmer Fudd raping Porky Pig. ..it's either 8:15 or Mickey has a hard on! We're taxiing in and the flight attendant is saying, "Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport." Well, how can someone who's just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she hasn't gotten to yet? Doesn't this violate some law of physics? We've been on the ground barely four seconds and she's comin' on like the fucking mayor's wife. It's physically impossible to sneeze while pissing. -> Sesso con Luttazzi Did you ever notice that your own farts smell OK? [sniffs] "Say, that's fairly decent!" (Luttazzi says "in bed" instead of "in an elevator") If two people are in an elevator and one person farts, everyone knows who did it. (1978) I'd rather have my son watch a film with 2 people making love than 2 people trying to kill one another. I, of course, can agree. It is a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but I like to take it a step further. I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with. "Okay, Sherrif, we're gonna Fuck you now, but we're gonna Fuck you slow." -> Satyricon, pag. 119 (1997, Brain Droppings, pag. 11) If they have a salad bar, ask how many times you can go back. If they say as many times as you like, ask for a lawn bag. Come back the next day with a small truck. Tell them you weren't quite finished eating the night before. You're actually within your legal rights, because, technically, no one is ever finished eating. -> Satyricon, pag. 146 (1997, Brain Droppings, pag. 9) I mean, I wouldn't order something called a “meat sandwich”, would you? At least not without a couple of follow-up questions: “Does anyone know where this meat came from?” “Are any of the waitress missing? -> Satyricon, pag. 38 How to Remove Chewing Gum from Your Bush (from The George Carlin Book Club #1: Brain Droppings, pag. 45) [...] When will the rethorical questions all end? (from Short Takes #2: Brain droppings, pag. 194) [...] You are all diseased (pag. 209) -> I libri della settimana, in Barracuda, pag. 179 (Brain droppings, pag. 91) When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one. -> Barracuda, pag. 53 (Back in Town – G. Carlin, quasi 9 minuti di routine ricuciti in 2 domande di Satyricon) And you know, in this country, now there are alot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid. Drug dealers aren't afraid to die. They're already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds. [...]Death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die. Like... the bankers who launder the drug money. The bankers, who launder, the drug money. Forget the dealers, you want to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start executing a few of these fucking bankers. White, middle class Republican bankers. And I'm not talking about soft, American executions, like lethal injection. I'm talking about fucking crucifixion folks! Let's bring back crucifixions. [...]And I'd go a little further, I'd crucify people upside-down. Like Saint Peter, feet up, head down. And naked. I'd have naked upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime on the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday Night! The Monday Night Crucifixions! You'd have people tuning in, don't even care about Football! Wouldn't you like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle? And I'll guarantee you one thing. You start execut- you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross, you're going to see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking quick. Pretty fucking quick- you won't even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore! What we really need is year-round capital punishment on TV every night with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I'm sure as long as we're killing people Marlboro Cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to participate! Proud to participate! Balance the stupid fucking budget!! [...] Not only- not only do I recommend crucifixions, I'd be in favor of bringing back beheadings!! Huh? Beheadings on TV, slow-motion, instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill. And fall into one of five numbered holes. Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into. [...] You want something a little more delicate, we'll do the beheadings with an olive fork. That would be nice. And it would take a good God damn long time. There's a lot of good things we could be doing. [...] Boiling people in oil. Sponsor: Crisco! [...] Here's something really nice you could do. You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult... right into a brick wall!! Trouble is, it would be over too quick. No good for TV, you know? You'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row. Rapid-fire capital punishment. Fifteen catapults, while you're shooting off one, you're loading up the others. 'Course every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall. Cleanliness... right next to Godliness. Alright hi-tech. I sense some of yous are waiting for hi-tech. I got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon... and stick it up a guy's ass! A thermo-nuclear suppository! Preparation H-Bomb! You talk about fallout, huh? -> Satyricon, pag. 107-8 (Back In Town 1996) Question. You ever have to fart on a bus, or an airplane, or some sort of public place... but you hadn't been farting all that day. So you didn't really know... the nature... of the beast. You only knew there was lots of it. In a situation like that, what you have to do... is to release... a TEST FART. You have to arrange to release, quietly and in a carefully controlled manner, about ten to fifteen percent of the total fart. In order to determine if those around you can handle it! Or, or if in fact, you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency. When releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of subterfuge such as reaching for a magazine. "Say!! Is that GOLF DIGEST?!" *fart* "Well, this doesn't smell too horrifying. In fact, in an odd way, it's rather pleasant. I think they ought to enjoy the rest of this baby." *faaart* And it turns out to be one of those farts that would strip the varnish off a Foot Locker. [...] -> Satyricon, pag. 155 (Brain droppings, pag. 195) Recently, in a public bathroom, I used the handicapped stall. As i emerged, a man wheelchair asked me indignantly, “Are you handicapped?” Gathering all my aplomb, I looked him in the eye and said, “Not now. But I was before I went there.” -> Barracuda, pag. 21-22 (Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty, 2001, pag. 140) (same joke about Enrico Mentana) If you listen to his voice carefully without looking at the screen, Ted Koppel sounds like he's taking a shit -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 40 (Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty, 2001, pag. 261) (The person who wonders is Berlusconi after the 9/11 attack) When a plane crashes, and a lot of people die, I always wonder what happens to their frequent flier miles -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 17 (Parental Advisory, 1990, track 4) [Real maniacs] Like a guy who gets a big tatoo on his chest of Liza Minelli taking a shit. You know? Then he tells you that if he wriggles in a certain way it looks like she's wipin' her ass. -> Satyricon, pag. 91 (Brain Droppings, pag. 214) It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater. -> Satyricon, pag. 39 (Brain droppings, pag. 205) When you look at some of Picasso's paintings, it makes you wonder what kind of women he visualized when he masturbated. -> Barracuda, pag. 21 (Class Clown, track 4) [about Sunday school] They really didn't have any answer. They'd fall back on Well, it's a mystery. Oh thank you, father! A mystery, of course, what's he talking about? A mystery! -> Castrazione, pag. 73 (Brain Droppings) During pregnancy, my mother carried me very low. Indeed, for the last six weeks, my feet were sticking out. She was the only woman in the neighborhood who had maternity shoes. But she told me I was a big help when it came to climbing stairs. -> Barracuda, pag. 22 (Playing with your head, track 4) here's another way to spice up the game: leave the injuried on the field. -> Barracuda, pag. 31 (Napalm&Silly Putty) Ask your dry cleaner if he can remove the stains from one pair of pants and put them in another -> Castrazione, pag. 131 I’d like to improve auto racing. This is a sport that’s very big in the South; a perfect marriage of fast cars and slow minds. I think if they want to liven up these races, what they ought to do is have one guy driving in the wrong direction. Simple thing: one guy, moving against the traffic. [...] You could also stick three children with rickets in the backseat. -> Cosmico, pag. 76 (from Brain Droppings) If lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them in boiling water while they're still alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it's OK. -> Giardini, 76 BILL HICKS (died in 1994: cancer) Not all drugs are good. Some … are great. I actually did that act one night in the south. Then, after the show, these three rednecks came up to me. "Hey, buddy! We're Christians and we didn't like what you said." I said, "Then forgive me." And by the way, that 3 month old kid in your belly is not a fucking human being, okay? It's a bunch of little congregated cells. You're not a human … till you're in my phone book. I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic. I'm not sorry if you are offended, I'm actually sorry – just the fact that you're Catholic. Gotta be one of the most ludicrous fucking beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your fucking existence. Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it's all about, perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once? "Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration … that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather." Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health nut. The plot thickens. You remember Jim Fixx? This human cipher used to write books on jogging. Now, what do you fuckin’ write about jogging? ‘Right foot, left foot, faster, faster, oh hell, I dunno, go home, shower.’ Pretty much covers the jogging experience, I do believe. Then this doofus goes out and has a heart attack and dies.... while jogging. There is a God. ‘Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage. "Today a young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped off a building, what a tragedy." What a dick! If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground? This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going: "What, what?" Let me just clarify: I know you think they're special … ha ha ha! I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you that they're not! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of two-hundred million – that load, we're only talking about one load – connected: Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off of my chest with a grey gym sock. Entire civilizations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! […] I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: "Unngh … what's for fucking breakfast?!" [The joke with Keith Richards' brain, which, when on drugs, makes the sound of "Satisfaction".] That's him on drugs? Give him some more! Let's see what else he pumps out! All this travelling, all this moving from town to town, living out of a suitcase. It's a hard life for anyone to comprehend. It's really going to take one very special woman. Or a lot of average women. (from Bill's very last stand up act) I was in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting to know: they celebrate Easter in the exact same way we do. Commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons." "How do you know that?" "Uh, well … we looked at the receipts." The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes. (changes a bit in the ending: the president asks "when do I have to bomb Iraq?") I have this feeling man, 'cause you know, it's just a handful of people who run everything, you know … that's true, it's provable. It's not … I'm not a fucking conspiracy nut, it's provable. A handful, a very small elite, run and own these corporations, which include the mainstream media. I have this feeling that whoever is elected president, like Clinton was, no matter what you promise on the campaign trail – blah, blah, blah – when you win, you go into this smoke-filled room with the twelve industrialist capitalist scum-fucks who got you in there. And you're in this smoky room, and this little film screen comes down … and a big guy with a cigar goes, "Roll the film." And it's a shot of the Kennedy assassination from an angle you've never seen before … that looks suspiciously like it's from the grassy knoll. And then the screen goes up and the lights come up, and they go to the new president, "Any questions?" "Er, just what my agenda is." "First we bomb Baghdad." "You got it …" I finally got my own TV Show coming out as a replacement show this fall!It's a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus. Not only do I think pot should be legalized, I think it should be mandatory. Think about it, you get in traffic behind somebody. (Makes loud horn noises) “Shut up and smoke that! It’s the law!” (Puff puff) “Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously." (in Luttazzi's version the joke is about Piazza Fontana and Valpreda) [the Assassination Museum, about Kennedy's death] it's really accurate, you know, cos Olswald's not in it. -> Satyricon, pag. 68 You cannot top this shit... unless... they start using terminally ill people as stuntmen in pictures. [...] You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room, surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put'em in the movies! What? You want your grandmother dying like a bird in some hospital room? [...] Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris? [...] “Wow, he kicked her head right off her body. Did you see that? Did you see my Grammy?” -> Barracuda, pag. 54 (Luttazzi combines these two very close jokes, he just removed the part between { } and replaces it with "there's") It's not an Adult Feature unless { at the end someone's gooey! } Women licking up semen like kittens under a cow udder! -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 77 Two of Bill Hicks' routines: Basic Instinct: [...] piece of shit. [...] and then I come to find after that film, that all the lesbian sex scenes, let me repeat that, all... all the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of that film, bcause the test audience was turned off by them. [...] If i had been in that test audience, the only one out front protesting that fil would have been Michael Douglas demanding his part to be put back in, all right? "I swear I was in that movie, I swear I was!" "Gee, Mike, the movie started, Sharon Stone was eating another woman for an hour and a half. Then the credits rolled. [...]" What I'm saying is it'd be a different film if I was the test audience, that's all I'm trying to get at there. Don't try an' talk for me please. [The followings are part of another routine during another show, still talking about S. Stone etc.] Yeah, you get to see her pussy for one-eighth of a second. I timed it. Don't blink, you might miss the plot. [...] you know there's movies you can rent? Nothing but pussy - did y'all know that? Swear to God, one-eighth of a second of plot, the rest of the film: pussy. -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 121 ROBERT SCHIMMEL The following jokes are taken mostly from "Robert Schimmel Unprotected". A 50 minutes show which Luttazzi plagiarized almost entirely. Some others are from "Guilty as charged". [at the checkout in a hotel] A: "...How did you like cock-mongers?" B: "There must've been a mistake I didn't rent that..." A: "Oh yeah? Wanna see the video of you jerking off to that movie?" [the official burial for gold fishes: flushing them down the toilet] "You can't do that with a dog or a cat.. What if it got stuck and then the plumber came over: "Yeah, I think I found the problem... You've got a german sheppard in your toilet. .. Can I use your phone for a minute?" [exactly the same kind of joke but modified, I inserted (exceptionally) this one because what matters for this joke is only the technique, the context doesn't count] Wife: "Bring him to the vet!" Schimmel: "Yeah, like I'm going to bring a 5 dollard rabbit to the vet.... .... So, we're at the vet and..." Wife: "maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation" Schimmel: "does it look like I'm suffering? [...] Men don't suffer from premature ejaculation, women do. There is no such thing. When it's time, it's time." "Baby, I'm gonna cum" "Wait..." "No, you hurry up!" [The joke where you stop a guy from ejaculating by squeezing his cock] "and he won't have an orgasm... ever again!" "Squeezing someone's dick when he's gonna cum?? That's like duck tape on somebody's mouth when he's gonna puke! That shit doesn't work!" "It's gonna find some place else to come out..." Men: "I'm gonna cum!" Women: "No, you're not!" (Squeeze dick) Women: "Ehy, your nose is running.." [the woman not wanting to have sex because she feels unattractive] "I don't feel attractive.." "well, believe it or not, my dick has a very poor vision, actually, he's legally blind" [...] "What guy would think like that? If the woman says "ehy what about a blowjob tonight?" and he: "nah, I'm too fat to blow..."" -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 45 "I sat down with my daughter and said: do you know how babies get made? Daughter: "The lady has an egg inside of her and the man has sperm inside of him and the sperm meets the egg and this is how the lady gets pregnant.." Schimmel: "Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?" Daughter: "Does the man pee on the woman?" Schimmel: "Sometimes, but that's 35 dollars extra..." [the one about sexual fantasies: Schimmel vs Wife] "I'd like to fuck your sister.." "How could I have known that her fantasy was for me to sleep in the car in the driveway that night?" "I saw a fake vagina that plugs directly into the wall, there's no body connected or anything and I was thinking: "yeah, I'm gonna stick my dick that squirts a liquid into something that's plugged directly into the wall socket"... So, I'm on the floor fucking this thing... and the lights dimm and I almost shit in my pants." [and the part about the paramedics founding him if he died] [the one with the vibrator where the woman sticks it in the man's butt first] Wife: "Here!!! Is this what you wanted to do to me???" (poking the vibrator in Schimmel's butt) Schimmel: "Take it out of the box first!!" "I took a shit once and it was black and I know that black means something wrong and I started to panic and I called my dad. "Dad you're not gonna believe this, I just took a shit and it's black!" Dad: "Bob, you're not gonna believe this, but I'm on a business meeting and you're on a speaker phone" -> Benvenuti in Italia (2002), pag. 34 I love my dog but I'm not rubbing cream on his asshole. - Yeah, d'you like this? does this feel good? - Yeah... what's next? -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 37 My mom uses herbal bathroom freshener. All it does is making it smell like someone shitted in the woods. (Luttazzi's joke is about Fabio Fazio and a horse, but it's the same joke) For 50 million dollars I'd suck Tyson's dick on tv in front of my parents. I would, right on tv, I don't give a shit. [...] How bad can a dick taste for 50 million dollars? You can spend a million on mouthwash and have a really nice life. -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 54 (about water landing with the airplane) [..] shark eats you, eats the cushion as little fiber and has an A shit the next day I was with my kids to LA, in one of these nature marine park places who have these billboards all over: "Come see fish in their natural habitat"! And then you get there and they have clowns riding on the back of dolphins and whales jumping through fire hoops. Like this is what you see when you go to the beach! But she wants to get something to eat, my daughter, and I take her to the snack bar and they serve Filet-O-Fish! What the fuck, what are these, the acts that screw up? [...] "You see your friend Louie on the grill over there? [...] I don't care if you're a fish, get on the bike! My brother scuba-dives, he goes: “Oh, you know what you do if the shark's bothering you?” Bothering? You need to look in the dictionary, pal! It really bothers when he shears my leg off to the hip. I find it very bothersome to get back to shore with my torso snapped in half. He said: “What you do is to let the shark get up to you and then punch him in the face!” Yeah, now when that doesn't work you poke him in the eye with your stump. Punch a shark! What if he wasn't even gonna attack you? What if he's just curious, he's swimming by and you: Pow pow pow! “Ehi! What the fuck?! What d'you do that for?” “I thought you were gonna attack me!” “I'm going to now. I was gonna let you go, bu the other sharks are watching, it doesn't look good now!” -> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 45-46 So my wife wants to get in shape and she signed me up to the gym with her and everybody look so good at this place. You gotta work out some place else before you can go to this place! [...] So he goes: “Listen, first you gotta do a little fitness-test, to see where you're at” I say: “I can save you some time right now! 'cause I got a little wheezing filling out the application." -> Barracuda (ed. Bestsellers Oscar Mondadori, 2000), pag. 22-23 [to a decapitated head) - Hey, ar'you ok? - I can't feel my legs! - Don't look down. Oh, what if your brain lived for a minute after your head came off? [...] - Shit, look at that! Hey, that's my shirt. Fuck, my head's off. This is bad! -> Bollito misto con mostarda (2005), p. 145 [to his daughter] Here, let daddy show you how to do it. [blowjob] Breathe with your nose, that's the secret. Oh, that's pretty fucked up... The day she blows some guy and he goes: - Hey, great blowjob! Yeah, my dad showed me how to do it! -> Benvenuti in Italia (2002), pag. 44 -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 42 I was walking over tonight I saw some young couple in the horse-and-carriage riding by. It looks real romantic. It's like 25 bucks, you smell on horse farts for half an hour. -> Satyricon, pag. 70 [he ate halopinio peppers] The next morning I thought I was shitting battery acid. It burns so bad I came this close to stick a Popsicle up my ass. -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 41 Having sex after a heart-attack (the pills are in my pussy, come and get'em) -> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 80 (Schimmel Comes Clean – track 05: Time-Life book) A guy jumped out of an airplane, chute didn't open, fell 300 feet and lived to tell the story, Well, I wanna heard that story! - Gnggnngngngngmmmm eeeeeeeeee... - I've heard about that -> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 126 (Unprotected, minute 50:30 ca.) She [my daughter] goes: “Daddy, can I talk to you for a minute? [...] Daddy, I don't like it in the butt” “Yeah, you and your mum both” -> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 42 JERRY SEINFELD (SeinLanguage pag. 144, 1993) Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? (about the expiration day of milk) How do they know that that is the exact day? They don't say it's in the vicinity, roughly etc. They brand it right into the side of the carton. Ever had milk after THE day? Scares the hell out of you, right? The spoon is trembling as it comes out of the bottle... [...] I don't know how they are so definite, though. Maybe the cow tipped them off. I like hotels. I enjoy tiny soap. I pretend that it's normal soap and my muscles are huge. (Luttazzi's version is a bit different: it is about perfumed underwear) I have the underarm deodorant with the cologne smell. Why do you want the smell there? I think once a woman's got her nose in your armpit, the seduction's pretty much over. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. -> Tabloid MORT SAHL (Luttazzi's joke is between Berlusconi and Rutelli) Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost. DAN SAVAGE (quoted from Wikipedia) Santorum is a sexual neologism proposed by American humorist and sex-advice columnist Dan Savage in 2003 to "memorialize" then US Republican Senator Rick Santorum from Pennsylvania due to the controversy over his statements on homosexuality. Savage asked his readers to submit new definitions for the term; the winning definition was "that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex." (The so called "giulianone"! Luttazzi renamed "Santorum" to "giulianone". Giuliano Ferrara is a pro-life, pro-war, pro-Berlusconi, pro-torture etc. italian journalist.) (Skipping Towards Gomorrah, 2002) My proof that homosexuality is not a choice? A question for my straight male readers: Is there anything I could do or say or write that would convince you to willingly, happily, eagerly, anxiously, deliriously, lustfully put my dick in your mouth and leave it there until I had an orgasm? I rest my case. EDDIE IZZARD (it's Aunt Sofocle in italian instead of Ted) So in the christian faith god created Adam in its own image. But 60 million years before that, god created the dinosaurs using the image of his cousin Ted. [the whole joke (which lasts about 10 minutes) with jesus who enters the dinosaurs pub, every dinosaur stops what he's doing and turns to jesus] Jesus: I'm Jesus, the son of god... In one religion. I've come to read you the stuff for my father's folk, which I hope we're going to publish soon... It's called the holy "bible" [...] Jesus: blessed all the meek, for they will inherit the world... Dinosaur: Roaaar Jesus: ok, I'll cross that one out... 'cause they won't mind.. What about "blessed all the huge scary monsters for they should doubtlessy inheirt the world, unless something awful happens with the temperature..." [the dinosaur beheads Jesus, Jesus goes back to his dad with his head under his arm] Jesus: what a bunch of bastards!! [god kills the dinosaurs by raising the temperature, god creates the humans and Jesus goes back to earth, he comes back 33 years later] Jesus: you bastard! They treated me worse than the fuckin' dinosaurs! God damn it, they nailed me [..] for three days! God: sorr.. I didn't kno.. Jesus: you knew all the time! Opposable thumbs.. you knew they got hammers! God: what happened? [Jesus tells what he did, the hanging out with fishermen etc. Always talking about the size of their fishes] Jesus: then the rich came who wanted to get into the kingdom of heaven. I said well it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for the rich to get into heaven. God: That was pretty surreal of you. Jesus: Well, I'd been smoking a bit that day... But the rich, they got huge blenders and they put camels into them, and they sprayed them, through very fine jets, through the eyes of needles. So they're all coming up now. (I'm sorry if I didn't transcribe everything, but it was simply too long) [the joke with lassie communicating impossible things through barks] Lassie: bark bark Guy: A boy? Lost in the desert? And Steve McQueen is just there in jeans and a T-shirt, disguised as an American man! He romps out, jumps in a motorbike, knocks a guy off, and within 15 minutes, he's in the borders of Switzerland. This is from Poland! And if you don't know the geography, it goes Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and then Switzerland. [...] because my gran said put a thimble on your finger in case you slip with the needle and the needle goes up into the brain and.. death. (when only few applaud) Thank you, two people. Also, if you're in a restaurant and you're choking to death, you can say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver." If you're just coughing and got some, you say, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. The trouble is, it's very difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death. Yeah. ( mumbling and coughing ) "Your hymen’s been removed?" "No no. ( more mumbling and coughing ) "You need it removed? Right…" I don't know how you remove a hymen... But yeah. No, Heimlich maneuver,developed by Dr. Heimlich who woke up one night, obviously, and went, "A fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha... lobster! Yes, Hilda! Hilda! Wake up, Hilda!" "Oh, what is it, Dr. Heimlich?" "Why are you calling me Dr. Heimlich? I'm you're husband, for fuck's sake! Loosen up, don't be so bloody Prussian." "Well, what is it, Günther?" "I have invented a maneuver!" "What are you, a bloody tank commander now?" "No! My name is going to be famous in restaurants!" I don't think he actually did it that way. I don't think it was ( snaps fingers ) a wing and a prayer, I think he must have experimented. He was German, organized. ( German accent ) "Ok, Hans, I want you to swallow this golf ball..." ( choking and coughing ) “I cannot breath." “I know you cannot breath. I will now make you breath with the cunning use of..." ( muffled shot) “I still cannot breath." "Ok, maybe not, maybe this will… ( muffled shot ) “Jesus fucking Christ!” "Ok, then maybe with a frying pan..." Pow! ( Hans coughing throughout, as Dr Heimlich smacks him ) "Must be a combination. No, ok… " "Ok, two frying pans… Frying pan in the bollocks… Bollocks stop… "Frying pan…" ( Hans collapses to thefloor ) "Oh, he's dead." Other doctors are going, "How's it coming along, Dr. Heimlich?" "Well, not very well at the moment. It's not really a maneuver at the moment. It's more of a gesture." So, stand-up comedy – vocation. You can't just fall into it. There's others, like taxidermist. You can't go, "I was working in a chip shop, then I started stuffing animals with sand." You've got to want it. "I wanna be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I want to get more sand into an animal than anyone's ever bloody got in an animal. I want to fill a rat with the entire Gobi desert so it's really quite tight." They should put more things in, sand gets boring. "Porridge. I'm doing this one with porridge." B-dum, b-dum. Staple gun. "Your dog's finished, I filled him with porridge. Thbpth!" "It's a bit floppy." "Yeah, that's porridge for you. You've got a two-level effect." "That's got a nine-level effect." "I've done your cat - he's with helium." "It's a bit high up." "That's helium for you. There's no height restriction. Do you want it here?" Woosh. Pah. "In fact, grab hold, I've got two controls." "What? Oh, right, I see. Er." There's a cat going whoo, whoo. With that fixed expression. So Noah started to saw up pieces of wood to make the ark. (Sawing noise) [...] And after a while Noah realised he was actually punching a baboon. Ooh-ooh-ooh! "Stop hitting me." Ooh-ooh-ooh! And so Henry the 8th - who was Sean Connery, for this film: "Well, then I will set up a new religion in this country! I will set up the... Psychotic Bastards Religion!" And an advisor said: "Why not call it Church of England, Sir?" "Church of England! That's much better." -> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 37 They went to the Moon - Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin... And Neil stepped on the Moon and said, "One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind." Good line but not his line, I don't think… it didn't feel like his line, you know? I bet that was just given to him and he was coming down the steps going, "Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Don't get it wrong, Neil. Don't fuck it up. Here we go. I'M A SMALL MAN WITH A GIANT BIG - shit!... ONE MAN, SMALL GIANT... What was it?" 'Cause you gotta say something! (...) You can't land on the Moon and go: "Fucking hell, I've been in that spacecraft... (stretching noises) Right, I need a piss." He had a sense of humor, so he should have used it. 'Cause there was that lunar module there – a fixed camera, just fixed, not panning left or right, just stationary. So he could've been there saying, "Hi, people on the Moon. As you can see, the Sea of Tranquility here, there's the mountains in the distance, there's the Earth! There, you're looking back up at yourselves there. Over to my right, I can see A FUCKING MONSTER! THERE'S A MONSTER BEHIND ME! Oh no, help! Get off my leg!" Buzz Aldrin in a monster outfit, Neil doing a close-up: "He's got me, Houston! The monster's got me! He wants cash! He's got my hand up behind my back. I think he knows jiu-jitsu! He wants cash for the release of my life. Send a million... TWO million dollars, leave it in a bag by the Sea of Tranquility. I don't know, the North Shore! What the fucking hell...?" Oh, it would have worked, wouldn't it? -> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 61 Pol Pot killed 1.7 million people. We can't even deal with that! You know, we think if somebody kills someone, that's murder, you go to prison. You kill 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick - that's what they do. 20 people, you go to a hospital, they look through a small window at you forever. And over that, we can't deal with it, you know? Someone's killed 100,000 people, we're almost going: "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning. I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death, LUNCH, death, death, death, AFTERNOON TEA, death, death, death, QUICK SHOWER...' -> Satyricon, pag. 46 I've never actually, in my life, ever seen anyone actually slip on a banana skin in reality (E. Izzard, Definite article) -> Decameron in tv -> La Guerra Civile Fredda, pag. 225 (Dressed to Kill – recorded 1998) We all know one of the main elements of attack the element of surprise. So what could be more surprising than the First Battalion Transvestite Brigade? [...] “Fuck, look at these guys... They've got guns, they've got guns! Jesus, take my gun!” Okay... I was so surprised, were you surprised, I was surprised! -> Barracuda, pag. 48 But Mars…… It came to visit us. Mars the red planet. It came so close to the earth and if stood out on top of your house with an extended car aerial, and you had a frog on the end of it who had a long tongue who had a stick insect on the end of that and the stick insect was holding one of those tape measures you had, when you would click it off, and you used as a sword, when you were a kid and it kept going poomf, and you and it would go poomf. And you could make it a certain size, and poomf, and if you had all that and you waggled it around, You could almost touch mars, If you were mad! -> I Giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 31 And then, of course, Leonardo da Vinci, who did the Mona Lisa with the enigmatic smile, which is glum in fact, isn't it? That's glum! Enigmatic's just a big word that's all glum. She's glum, she's… And they X-rayed the painting and there's different earlier versions underneath it. The first version of the Mona Lisa was much more (mimes very big smile). Happy Lisa! The second one was (mimes sexy look) Sexy Lisa! And the last one was Moaner Lisa, "You fucking finished? Have you fucking finished? Fucking - I've been here 15 fucking years…" But he did other paintings, like he did that guy in the bowler hat with an apple in the face, that's his. And the one of lilies which is all blurry, that blurry lily one. And he did a couple of Pissaros, one or two Lautreqs. And he also made weapons of war, and pictures of anatomy. And he invented a helicopter that did not work. And so did I! Yeah, did not work! I accept your applause for my crap invention. For it had a lawnmower engine, it was made out of wood and string, and it went under water. My helicopter went under water… on paper. But then the paper would get wet and, you know, a helicopter that just exists on paper - it needs to fly in the air. And I'm trying to make this work as a joke… and it won't. -> I Giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 32 When British people go there (in Holland), they just go mad, and go, “Fucking ‘ell!” (mimes shooting up, smoking and going generally bonkers) “How long have you been here, man?” “A minute!” -> I Giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 40 Babies taste of chicken! Cannibals say that human flesh tastes of chicken, so babies must taste of chicken. And chicken tastes of humans. -> I Giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 70 In Holland, they speak four languages, and a lot of them are “quatrilingual” – they speak Dutch, German, French and English. And they smoke dope as well! How do they have time? -> I Giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 75 (Circle – Jesus in Religions Pt.1) Yeah, and Johnny Paul was looking for a coming-together, I believe, a sort of, uhh...syn...synergy between the five, the major five religions, being: [counts them off on one hand] Christianity, Judiaism, Islam, RCA, Sony. [pauses] Buddhism and Hinduism. -> Decameron tv: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNGZeQLRY_0 (Circle) It was the Renaissance. The Re-Naissance. French for "rebirth". And that's why everything happened slap-bang in F - Italy. But they had a French name. It gave them a certain Je ne sais quoi, a certain savoir faire, a certain détante. A certain... cul-de-sac, a certain... Jacques Chirac. A certain... pomme de terre. A certain vie de la Dordogne. -> Bollito misto con mostarda (2005), pag. 43 (Circle) Then he did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition - he said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat. "Tell me, Don Miguel, tell me of El Diablo." "El Diablo is an exciting character. He is one with the ladies. Why do you wish to know?". "No reason, just a casual chat." But it wasn't. It was, (mimes operating a rack) -> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 147 (Circle) And it's… you know, because the Pope has got stuck in that sort of 'I'm wearing a tent' type thing. And he goes round in a Popemobile, and the only other person who does that is Batman, who goes round in a Batmobile. Cause he's Popeman! (sings) "Popeman! Popeman! With Altar-boy!" "Quick Altar-boy, there are some sinners who need chastisin'. Leap into the Popemo…" (dramatic music impression) "Put those candles out!" (mimes using strange weapon to do this) Pssthou, Pssthou, Pssthou! "With holy water and Jesus disks!" (mimes throwing samurai stars). "Vampires! Look out, Popeman, vampires coming!" (4 more Jesus disks) "You sure shot them out of the sky!" Could be a whole series… with a lot of complaints. -> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 148 STEVEN WRIGHT When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" (adapted to Berlusconi, instead of lawyer he says Berlusconi creates a law) I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? (in Luttazzi's version the son of Berlusconi is asking this to the father) Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? (Berlusconi to his son) My uncle once told me when I was five, 'When I was your age, I was six. (the location changes) The other day I got on an elevator and this old guy got in with me. I was over near the button, I pushed number four and I said: “Where you going?”. He said: “Phoenix”. So I pushed 'Phoenix'. Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. The last week in August we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain. And the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. I was walking through the desert and a UFO landed, these little 1 inch tall guys got out and came over next to me. I said: "Are you really that small?" They said: "No, we're just really very far away". There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. (after repeating a joke) Just checking. Last summer I drove cross-country with a friend of mine, we split the driving, we switched every half a mile. The all way across we only had one cassette tape to listen to. I can’t remember what it was. -> Capolavori, pag. 125-6 I said: “D’you live around here often?” She said “You’re wearing two different color socks” I said “Yes, but to me it is the same ‘cause I go by thickness”. -> Capolavori, pag. 16 Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..." -> Capolavori, pag. 89 Wondering how my life would’ve been different had I been born one day earlier. Then I’m thinking Maybe’t wouldn’t have been different other than I would ask that question yesterday -> Capolavori, pag. 109 Jesus pissed off a lot of people, y’know, “Stop changing the water into wine, I’m trying to take a shower!” -> Capolavori, pag. 153 I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. -> Satyricon, pag. 98 I like to leave messages before the beep. -> Barracuda, pag. 57 I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really...Well, okay, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." -> Barracuda, pag. 19 I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. -> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 28 Every night I go home and I stare at my rug and try to move it using telekenesis. I've been doing that every night for eight years; the rug hasn't moved an inch. The rest of the house is gone. -> Satyricon, pag. 155 I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?" -> Barracuda, pag. 18 My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. -> Barracuda, pag. 19 It's kind of an insane case ... 6,000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I think they're not guilty. -> Barracuda, pag. 18 When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints. -> Capolavori, pag. 99 (I have a pony) I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! -> Satyricon, pag. 72 (about Emilio Fede) I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose -> Capolavori, pag. 93 You know that feeling when you're just falling asleep and you feel like you're falling and you wake up? I feel like that all the time. -> Capolavori, pag. 107 Whenever I pick up hitchikers, I like to wait a few minutes before I say anything to them. Then I say: "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it." -> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 80 What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? -> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 57 (about Berlusconi, but the same in Satyricon) I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. -> Satyricon, pag. 72 (I have a pony) I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it." -> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 80 (first found in Just For Laughs, 1987) I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done." -> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 108 CHRIS ROCK Everytime a man's being nice to you [women], he's offering you dick. It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, cause you know they're fuckin'. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally, you might even see some clear heels! [referring to strippers] (The one about Nelson Mandela getting divorced) Marriage is so though Nelson Mandela got a divorce. After 27 years of prison etc... You know what a platonic friend is to a woman? It's like a dick in glass case: in case of emergency break open glass. One thing I learnt about women. Guys: never ask a woman how many men she slept with. 'Cause you don't wanna know. Just be happy you're fucking her now. [..] Why you wanna know? First off, no matter what she says, it's too much for you. She can go "two" and you'll be like: "two?? TWO?? I guess it's how you was raised". Women will lie. [...] If she says "three", that's "ten". You know, you have to give every woman a seven dick curve. That's more like 3 dicks at the 8th power. (changes slightly in the end) When you were single, nobody was thinking about your ugly ass. [but once you're in a relationship] everybody wants to fuck you. When you were single, nobody was calling your ass up? Now, you're phone ringing up the hook. Crazy, freaky sex calls going: "hey, what you're doing? You know me and my girlfriend have a dick sucking contest and we think you would be

  • asterixxx
    asterixxx
    28 giugno 2013, 23:36
    Luttazzi lo fa apposta. Usa legittime tecniche intertestuali di cui non sapete nulla e così sparate giudizi incompetenti. Leggete "Lolito" e cominciate a farvi una cultura in merito. Inoltre questo blog aggiornato smonta tutte le balle dette su Luttazzi per diffamarlo dopo il suo fantastico monologo a Rai per una notte: http://goo.gl/wWTzZ

  • Carnevale
    Carnevale
    29 giugno 2013, 00:06
    L'elenco di battute "copiate" è ridicolo per almeno due motivi. Innanzitutto dà per scontato che la traduzione di Luttazzi ne mantenga il senso originale (il plagio va dimostrato battuta per battuta, un elenco di battute in inglese non prova nulla, se non il dilettantismo del compilatore e la sua volontà di creare scandalo). Secondo, si tratta di poche pagine di testo. Luttazzi ha scritto 18 libri, la media risulta circa di una pagina di citazioni per ogni libro. Libri che vanno dalle 150 alle 380 pagine ciascuno (Lolito ne ha 570). Di cosa state cianciando? Dite piuttosto che Luttazzi vi dà fastidio e volete attaccarlo con un pretesto. Ma vergognatevi.

  • vecchio colica
    vecchio colica
    8 luglio 2013, 11:57
    ho sentito Ghedini argomentare più convincente sull'utilizzatore finale. La conta certosina delle pagine mi ricorda quegli esami di giurisprudenza che ti dicevano "è difficile, sono 2mila pagine" come se la difficoltà andasse al chilo. Quando su mezza pagina di reazione chimica ci potevi morire per una settimana...

  • kruaxi
    kruaxi
    30 ottobre 2013, 23:33
    Ero un grande fan di Luttazzi e questa cosa l'ho presa sul serio per il fastidio che mi comportò… ci ho studiato tre anni e posso tranquillamente affermare che le battute copiate (si copiate, altro che omaggio) sfiorano tranquillamente il 70 %… ed il resto è, guarda caso, assai poca cosa. Scusate, è indifendibile. Si vergogni

  • Sauro
    Sauro
    18 giugno 2014, 20:30
    kruaxi può "tranquillamente affermare" l'ennesima balla, a quanto pare. Questo blog aggiornato le smonta tutte: http://goo.gl/TptXCX Replicate a ogni argomento, se ce la fate, sennò è pura diffamazione. Vergognatevi.

  • scaccu
    scaccu
    4 settembre 2014, 15:57
    ecco perchè Luttazzi è sparito: passa le giornate a difendersi su tutti i blog cambiando nick a ogni commento.

  • andreas p.
    andreas p.
    17 settembre 2014, 02:35
    NTVOX, il blogger che denuncia i "plagi" di Luttazzi dal 2008, confessa in una mail a Luttazzi di aver vinto la caccia al tesoro 2001. Quindi SAPEVA della caccia al tesoro e che Luttazzi lo fa apposta. Ma nel 2008 NTVOX finge di non saperlo e dà a Luttazzi del disonesto. Il disonesto è NTVOX.

  • scaccu
    scaccu
    17 settembre 2014, 02:39
    Sono un cretino. Scusate.

  • Pipa
    Pipa
    30 settembre 2014, 17:42
    che tristezza e che pena luttazzi

  • Steelo
    Steelo
    11 ottobre 2014, 17:45
    Ciao, ho notato che Daniele Luttazzi sta imperversando in rete con decine di account falsi, con i quali fa "rumore di fondo", commenta a suo favore articoli e post che parlano dei suoi plagi, ed edita a tradimento articoli di Wikipedia per falsificarli a suo favore. Anche molti commenti in sua difesa sul Fatto Quotidiano sono in realtà scritti da lui. Inoltre, mentre facevo ricerche per capire l'entità dell'azione dei fake di Daniele Luttazzi in giro per Internet, ho scoperto che anche il suo libro d'esordio "101 cose da evitare a un funerale" è un plagio integrale di un articolo di Ed Bluestone (e successivi addenda) apparso sul numero 34 (1973) della rivista umoristica americana National Lampoon. Steelo

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    1 aprile 2015, 12:10
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